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[sticky post] Advice to young women

Hey you lady
you are a very precious jewel you know?
you are unique.. beautiful..smart and charming in every way
you deserve to be loved by someone who can see that in you
you deserve to be loved by someone who can always remind you about how precious you are
why be in love with someone who brings out the worst in you?
why be in love with someone who always makes you wonder does he really love you or not
you need to be with someone who sees you.. hear you.. and feel you
don't be afraid to let go
don't be skeptical and think that you cannot be without him
its not true
you can't be without YOU,but yes you will survive without him
so its better to be alone with yourself
than to be together with someone who does not see you and make you feel like you are nothing
Remember you are precious.. beautiful and smart.
Be patient and you will find..and someday you will know that you are better that you think.

Raising Adelle

I don't think I can do this anymore

There she is screaming in the next door in the room here I punish her

Everyday Time out. Every time she wakes up, I have to be there and wait for her good mood. I feel enslaved by her. She is controlling me.

I cannot do this I cannot live like this.. I'm full of anger also, i'm not becoming a good mom but I don't know how to solve this problem

Me & Coffee

Me & Coffee, we are connected. I am addicted to it. 

Some people drink coffee for the sake of a trending lifestyle, and while they are performing the art of brewing coffee and making things complicated by measuring the water temp and finding the perfect grinding and roasting methods. I really don't give a damn about it. I just need my coffee hot.. and well-filtered. 

And while they are talking shit about Arabica an Robusta and making as though Arabica has the 'higher' caste than Robusta, and that Arabica drinker usually more intellectual people and that Arabica has that so-called 'fruity-acid' taste, I don't care. I just Love my Robusta. 

In the end, its just a matter of taste. And why do they have to make things so complicated, especially when I went to a very complicated coffee shop, where I need to choose between  this Toraja.. Aceh..Robusta..Arabica... semi-roasted bla bla bla.. whatever I  just need to have my ordinary milk coffee. 

So in short..i'm a coffee addict,  and I love arts.. but I don't see the point of the art of brewing coffee. 



Roots

I'm into planting lately

And I learned the miracles of planting. How it makes my heart grows along with it. How it changes my mood in the morning when  I realize that happiness comes in many forms. And lies in a little things like in the seedlings of a sunflower that started to sprout. I can see a hope in it. Although I don't know whether its gonna bloom or not, but at least from now all I can do is giving it love and taking care of it. 

Its a sunflower seeds from France, given by Joss. I never have thought that a gift could grow.. 

Reflecting My Life in 2017

This year have been quite a good year.

A year when everything had been settled and stable.

In Finance : We have to spend a big amount money over something that is not our mistake, and we have to sacrifice almost everything that we already collect in the past few years in order to keep that place. But then we manage to open a new store, which is growing stable. And the restaurant is operating itself with employees that already knew what they are doing. So this year, we don't have a lot to save and we do have a lot of debt, but we are moving forward and will be able to pay the debt in the nest few months, and hopefully after that we are settle.

In personal life : I can tell that I am gaining a lot this past two years, and its process is constantly growing. Slowly but settle. Little Dottie has a huge role in this one. I have realize many things about life and the things beyond life. I'm half awake and on progress on becoming more awake.

This year I think I traveled kinda often.. 

 January : At the beginning of January, we went to discover a very beautiful beach spot not too far from home.. and in the middle of the month I managed to go to Jakarta to visit my grandma's bday and visit my Mom in law while she was in the hospital.

March : Went to Makassar and Malino and had an interesting experience meeting Pak Danny and he taught me things about making coffee.

May : Going to Jakarta again, celebrated my 35th birthday there and my best friend's wedding. A very hectic and tiring visit.

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Mimpi Buruk

Mereka duduk diatas perahu kayu yang mengambang diatas laut yang diam.

Kanan kirinya terapit tebing yang tinggi, sehingga suasana disana sangat hening dan mencekam.

Aku ingat betul lautnya berwarna biru tua. Tidak jelas apakah itu siang atau malam hari, karena tertutup oleh tebing.  

Yang kuingat suasananya mencekam dan seperti saat-saat yang genting. Kami berteriak gemas mengajak mereka untuk segera naik keatas kapal kami. Namun mereka tak bergeming, sibuk men cari sesuatu entah apa. 

Tak jauh dari perahu mereka, ada sebuah perahu yang sama, namun hanya berisi tumpukan bangkai ikan. Seakan-akan sengaja untuk umpan ikan hiu.

Saking takutnya, aku terbangun tidak berani melihat apa yang terjadi berikutnya

At the Funeral

I don't know how to act sad this time. Not because I don't care about the deceased, my uncle. I had some recollection of memories about him when I was a little girl, and the rest was just some short meetings at some relatives wedding and other unplanned meetings.

I've heard stories about him. Some shocked me a bit and make me have zero respect on him. But I never really know him anyway. All I can remember is he was a joker, and I never find his jokes funny. And from the stories I've heard, his family never look up on him and they treated him more like a burden, because of his behavior. 

So, usually when I go to the funeral, I shared my sadness and tears to those who were left behind, and this time I sense a huge relieve feeling from his family. Of course they were trying hard to hide it and wore the mask of a mourning wife and children. But the aura were too strong. They are in fact relieved that their biggest burden had finally gone.

So.. I really don't know how to act sad this time. Even to pretend it.

While I was there, I started to observe the wife. She looked sad, as she was telling us story on how he died and the story on how she took care of him months while he was sick. At some point she stopped and started crying. I sat there in silence trying to search for a reason how can she feel sad for the man whom for the last 50 years of marriage did 90% job of damaging her heart? 

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TAKUT (1998)

Rasa Takut ini
Melebihi segalanya
Rasa itu sudah menjalar keseluruh bagian dari jiwaku
Mencengkeram jauh kedalam
Dalam yang tak terbatas
Membayangiku di setiap detik dari kehidupan
Mencerna..menertawai..mengutuk
Segala yang kuperbuat
tak ada jalan keluar
'kemana kamu akan pergi?' kata suara itu
Lorong gelap tak bercahaya
tak ada akhirnya..tak ada akhirnya..

Apakah Aku? (1995)

Diriku..
Tak ada yang dapat kumengerti
Apakah hanya seberkas cahaya
Ataukah setitik bayangan
Diantara beribu-ribu sinar

Kadang aku merasa menjadi bagian dari bisikan-bisikan yang nyaris tak terdengar
Namun kadang aku merasa menjadi satu bisikan yang memimpin bisikan lainnya

Asaku..
apakah sama adanya dengan bumi yang menangis
Atau dengan bayi yang baru membuka matanya dan melihat segala hal yang baru

Mungkin semuanya tak berarti
Jika dibandingkan dengan alam dan gejalanya
Aku hanyalah satu bagian tak dikenal
Yang hanya bisa mencari makna diri

Lonelyness

Sitting here in my room
All by myself
..dark and cold..
Just like my heart

My eyes are closed..wait.. no.. they are open
But I can't see anything
Because there's nothing to see

In this world full of people
I am here alone
Without anything to think
or feeling to keep

I used to remember the past
When this room was still bright
and the feeling was still there

but that's all over
the tickets to happiness
have been sold out
and I am left here.. all alone

@moniaganath 1996