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[sticky post] Advice to young women

Hey you lady
you are a very precious jewel you know?
you are unique.. beautiful..smart and charming in every way
you deserve to be loved by someone who can see that in you
you deserve to be loved by someone who can always remind you about how precious you are
why be in love with someone who brings out the worst in you?
why be in love with someone who always makes you wonder does he really love you or not
you need to be with someone who sees you.. hear you.. and feel you
don't be afraid to let go
don't be skeptical and think that you cannot be without him
its not true
you can't be without YOU,but yes you will survive without him
so its better to be alone with yourself
than to be together with someone who does not see you and make you feel like you are nothing
Remember you are precious.. beautiful and smart.
Be patient and you will find..and someday you will know that you are better that you think.

Mimpi Buruk

Mereka duduk diatas perahu kayu yang mengambang diatas laut yang diam.

Kanan kirinya terapit tebing yang tinggi, sehingga suasana disana sangat hening dan mencekam.

Aku ingat betul lautnya berwarna biru tua. Tidak jelas apakah itu siang atau malam hari, karena tertutup oleh tebing.  

Yang kuingat suasananya mencekam dan seperti saat-saat yang genting. Kami berteriak gemas mengajak mereka untuk segera naik keatas kapal kami. Namun mereka tak bergeming, sibuk men cari sesuatu entah apa. 

Tak jauh dari perahu mereka, ada sebuah perahu yang sama, namun hanya berisi tumpukan bangkai ikan. Seakan-akan sengaja untuk umpan ikan hiu.

Saking takutnya, aku terbangun tidak berani melihat apa yang terjadi berikutnya

At the Funeral

I don't know how to act sad this time. Not because I don't care about the deceased, my uncle. I had some recollection of memories about him when I was a little girl, and the rest was just some short meetings at some relatives wedding and other unplanned meetings.

I've heard stories about him. Some shocked me a bit and make me have zero respect on him. But I never really know him anyway. All I can remember is he was a joker, and I never find his jokes funny. And from the stories I've heard, his family never look up on him and they treated him more like a burden, because of his behavior. 

So, usually when I go to the funeral, I shared my sadness and tears to those who were left behind, and this time I sense a huge relieve feeling from his family. Of course they were trying hard to hide it and wore the mask of a mourning wife and children. But the aura were too strong. They are in fact relieved that their biggest burden had finally gone.

So.. I really don't know how to act sad this time. Even to pretend it.

While I was there, I started to observe the wife. She looked sad, as she was telling us story on how he died and the story on how she took care of him months while he was sick. At some point she stopped and started crying. I sat there in silence trying to search for a reason how can she feel sad for the man whom for the last 50 years of marriage did 90% job of damaging her heart? 

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TAKUT (1998)

Rasa Takut ini
Melebihi segalanya
Rasa itu sudah menjalar keseluruh bagian dari jiwaku
Mencengkeram jauh kedalam
Dalam yang tak terbatas
Membayangiku di setiap detik dari kehidupan
Mencerna..menertawai..mengutuk
Segala yang kuperbuat
tak ada jalan keluar
'kemana kamu akan pergi?' kata suara itu
Lorong gelap tak bercahaya
tak ada akhirnya..tak ada akhirnya..

Apakah Aku? (1995)

Diriku..
Tak ada yang dapat kumengerti
Apakah hanya seberkas cahaya
Ataukah setitik bayangan
Diantara beribu-ribu sinar

Kadang aku merasa menjadi bagian dari bisikan-bisikan yang nyaris tak terdengar
Namun kadang aku merasa menjadi satu bisikan yang memimpin bisikan lainnya

Asaku..
apakah sama adanya dengan bumi yang menangis
Atau dengan bayi yang baru membuka matanya dan melihat segala hal yang baru

Mungkin semuanya tak berarti
Jika dibandingkan dengan alam dan gejalanya
Aku hanyalah satu bagian tak dikenal
Yang hanya bisa mencari makna diri

Lonelyness

Sitting here in my room
All by myself
..dark and cold..
Just like my heart

My eyes are closed..wait.. no.. they are open
But I can't see anything
Because there's nothing to see

In this world full of people
I am here alone
Without anything to think
or feeling to keep

I used to remember the past
When this room was still bright
and the feeling was still there

but that's all over
the tickets to happiness
have been sold out
and I am left here.. all alone

@moniaganath 1996

FREE WILL

Only in silence
We can free our will
And capture another one
Just to set the other one free

But once there was a wisdom sayings
'Hold your will, try to understand it before you set it free'
Because its so hard to take the risk
and pay the price to sacrifice everything
for that one free will

What If?

Life consist of series of coincidence that bounding beautifully and related to each other.

This might sound strange and I might sound crazy
but WHAT IF..
Faith brought me here in this nowhere land so that I can learn a lot from her (the Old Soul)

What if all of this time since the day I was born it had been written in this life that I was being prepared to meet her again.

Because everything seems to happen so fast ever since I met her.
The phase from knowing nothing to curiosity and to awakening - is like a blink of an eye
I don't know if I'm ready
But I can feel it, and its undeniable
this time its different
this is the next level
Because today I started to realize it
All of this time, all of my journey.. when i thought coincidence brought me to the love of my life, but no.. he is just a liaison that links me to the Old Soul.
She is always there, waiting..
Its not her who search for me, because she knows that I will go to her when I'm ready
It was my soul who always search for her
We had an unfinished business in the previous life
She was also my mentor
But something came up and we part ways
And now we meet again in this life
that's it
I knew it all of this time..
Dee was not only writing novels, but she is the same as me. She is awaken too

I'm in dilemma
One part of me saying that I'm starting to loosing my mind
but the other part saying that I'm started to awake
and there is this little voice asking if I'm awake then I will be able to know the truth about life, but then it answer again, its too big for me to understand

So that's it for today.

Questions Unanswered

What is my purpose in this life?
Why do I feel like I'm different?

The more I'm awake, the more I'm confused
What is the purpose of this life and the life before?
Why am I wasting my time in this life if I don't understand the real purpose of this life

Constantly battling with myself
Shallow people always fighting with others, blaming others
they don't know the biggest enemy is them self

Old Soul

She's just an old soul
Trying to find her way home
She's just an old soul
Struggling hard to reconcile her soul with her present life
its not easy
Her biggest enemy is herself
Sometimes she got it all in control
and sometimes she just wanna loose it all
Life is never hard on her
Money is never a problem
For she is an old soul
Her needs is beyond money
The only problem is herself
Everyday she fought with the demon inside
The immature selfish self
But when she won, she gain another level
Love come and go
Love is never easy
For its hard to find another soul as old as her
And love to her is just beyond what meets the eye

There's something about her
She's wise yet childish
She's patient yet impatient
She's warm yet so cold
I don't know how to explain

One thing I know is that we're connected somehow